I came across this "pro-health" community and decided I would see if I could relate or get advice or something.
So this summer was the first time I have ever really admitted OUT LOUD (b/c you know how sometimes you feel that if you don't say what you are feeling out loud then it's not real) that I felt I had a "problem" with my eating habits and stuff. I have talked to my mom and sister about it but they don't understand. I try to tell them I can't control how I feel but they don't get it. My best friend has a similar problem with her body, but her's is based on the fact that she did gynmastics when she was younger and when she has "boy" issues it causes her to throw up b/c she can't "control" the situation. It's easy to talk to her because we both "understand" our problem. However, we both don't want to get fat so we help eachother stay thin.
I am a junior in college and I am 20 years old. I am a health-nut and have been an athlete all my life. (When I was younger I did basketball, soccer, t-ball, softball, tennis, field hockey, ice skating, gymnastics, swimming, dance, and cheerleading. I don't have very good eye-hand coordination so the only sports that stuck were swimming, dance, and cheerleading. Swimming has been mostly my sport of choice. I did it all through highschool and my first 2 years of college. I am not this year because of other acitivies, interships, and my heart's just not in it this semester.) I constantly drink water, eat whole-wheat bread, romaine lettuce and spinach, vegetables, fruits, nuts, skim milk, OJ, and low-fat everything whenever possible. You may think I sound like an average happy, healthy, fit, college 20-something right? Wrong.
I did not gain the "freshman 15" in college (I lose weight at school b/c the cafeteria food "runs right through you" and I live in dorms so I don't always have access to a kitchen), however it is constantly on my mind. I haven't weighed myself since I have been to school but I'm going to guess I am about 128-130lbs, and I am 5'8" tall. I can't help but always have my weight, my size, and the food I eat on my mind. Everything I do revolves around my body and what I eat. I feel guilty if I eat certain foods (like the cookie dough I just binged on a few minutes ago) like cookies, pizza, wings, ice cream, etc., even though I barely ever eat them because I am so health concious. And if I do eat them I have to bust my ass working out afterwards. People around me tell me I am "skinny as hell". My boyfriend, whom I have been with for over a year and a half, tells me every day out beautiful I am and how he loves my body and that I am perfect.
But I don't feel perfect. Here is what goes on in my mind on a daily basis:
***I feel fat. I feel horribly disgusting. I feel gross. I pull at my chin sometimes because when I sit there I feel like there is a double-chin "growing". When I sit in class, I constantly check my legs to make sure that when I cross them no one can see any celulite. I can't help but think people are always comparing my twin sister and I. We have about 5-10lbs difference in weight, although people say they don't see it. She's about 120-something, I'm like heavy 120's or light 130's. I am more athletic than her so I know muscle weighs more than fat, but I don't care. I still feel like I am fatter than her. She drinks soda, eats chips, puts mayo on her sandwich's, eats fast food and french fries, icecream, sugar-loaded cereals, doughnuts, and candy. I drink water, 100% juices, and skim milk only. I eat loads of fruits and vegetables. I haven't had fast food in over a year. I stopped drinking soda for a new years resolution in 2002. Candy gives me headaches (got one from skittles the other day). Doughnuts, sugar cereals, and mayo or any other spread like that grosses me out. I eat basic 4, or honey nut cheerios sometimes, for breakfast. My only downfall is ice cream, chocolate, and cookies rarely. I am an exercise addict. I feel good when I exercise. I feel good when I sweat. I freak out if, when I walk, my legs touch. I hate my butt. My boyfriend loves it, and my guy friends are always telling him and me how nice it is. My sister says "It's a nice ass...it's a J.Lo ass." I DON'T EVER WANT TO HAVE A J.LO ASS!!!!! When I look in the mirror I freak out if my legs touch when I stand (I am a little bow-legged so there's always a space in between my legs, but not when I am fat).
I hope I am making some sense to whoever is reading this. My body is my constant concern. I don't think there is anything else that is constantly on my mind. The way I look controls my life. As I walk around campus, I think "does he/she think I am fat?". I hate going places with my sister because I think that people look at us and go "Wow, Katis is so much bigger than her sister!" or "Wow, Katie really got fatter this summer!". I hate it when people ask me what the differences are between my sister and I , the first thing that comes to my mind is that I am bigger than her. This summer someone said to me "So you are the bigger twin?" and I was also once called "The butch twin."
I drink at parties occasionally but its usually not that much and not beer. I am worried that when I get married I am going to live up or be the example to the joke "Q: What's the difference between your wife and your girlfriend? A: 40lbs." I am also afraid that when I get pregnant I am going to get soooo fat and that after I will still be fat and won't be able to get the weight off.
I absolutely hate having this control my life. If i could make myself throw up I would but I can't do it. Plus I know how it ruins your teeth and makes your breath smell. And I won't become anorexic because I know that starving yourself makes your body "eat itself" - going for the muscle and the fat lining your organs first. I know that it also slows down your metabolism and then you can't burn fat and calories as fast (and I try to weight lift so my metabolism boosts too).
Since I am obviously not bulemic and will never be anorexic, what's wrong with me? I don't know what the problem is.
I am sorry this is so long, and is "taking up space". But I needed to get some stuff out. Please, anyone with advice, I would greatly appreciate it.